Thanks to Tony Law I am Losing My Will to Live

'I am time travelling to a moment when I was amusing!'

Could it be 2012?  It must be!  For Tony Law will likely not be funny anymore when December 21st, this year, comes to pass.  Why, you might ask?  The Mayans knew it as well as any other prognosticating culture you might want to lend a pre-apocalyptic ear to; for the day when Mr. Law gets any genuine laughs, time will stop, clocks will run backwards, water will swirl down the drain clockwise in the northern hemisphere and your waffle iron will attack you!  No, I'm not referencing a poorly conceived CBC documentary, it's the signs of the apocalypse... all starting with Tony Law actually being genuinely amusing.  In fact, I also prognosticate that his head will explode -- but that's an easier prediction to make when I know where I can get my hands on an AR-10 carbine assault rifle!

So what does happen when a Canadian comedian can't make it in the States and is even far too rubbish for the travesty of Canadian sketch programmes... *cough*  Well, needless to say I won't be needing to scratch my eyes out any time soon, as I already have after watching Tony ham it up on a re-run of some nameless comedy programme on 'Dave'.  Usually known for its high quality programming... oh wait, what the fuck am I talking about?

Having come from a country where hand guns are readily accessible, it's no wonder Mr. Law took solace on British television... after all, we have our fair share of imbeciles with funny accents; but we've all seen a  Scouser before!  Why not showcase a Canadian nutter with the IQ of Scottish smoked salmon on some of the worst skit and stand up show Britain has to spew out of every gaping orifice?  Sure, he may have been on Qi... but I'm sure Stephen Fry is heading the way of Terry Pratchett, as it is.  Our only hope: the lifting of euthanasia sanctions!

So whatever you tune in and find Tony Law staring at you with his wild eyes, send him back to Canada so they can send him south to America and the Yanks can send someone even more awful (ie. Pauly Shore) down to Mexico where he'll have his rightful career prospect in mind -- playing wet nurse to an Hispanic tranny in a Mexican prison.

Keanu Reeves Receives First Ever Personality Transplant

Might he be stoned?

Medical science has always behaved like any evolutionary entity: progressing in leaps and bounds.  So now the genii who brought us anti-depressants, behavioural therapy and enriched corn syrup have done it again.  It is now possible to fix personalities and personality disorders by modifying specific regions of the limbic system where emotional potentiality to stimuli is processed and reactions are borne.  The surgery was pioneered by neuroscientists at GlaxoSmithKline and is said to be the most exciting breakthrough in psychosurgery and psychopharmacotherapy since the advent of Thorazine, Clozaril and the full frontal lobotomy.

Selected for the first broad spectrum personality transplant was famed actor Keanu Reeves.  Being believed that he had no personality of his own, he was said to be an excellent example of characterological vacuity and characteristic lability of essence.

Having starred in such blockbuster films as The Matrix, Speed and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure it became obvious the GlaxoKline researchers that he posed no personality of his own and would be the first to benefit from the revolutionary treatment.

The donor, one Mr. Dolph Lundgren, was happy to give up his personality; as he did have one, but simply had never had any use for it.  And as it happens the procedure ended up a startling success.  GlaxoKline are expecting to make $7.6bn USD a year in recursive drug therapies including Largactil drug maintenance and are expected to reap the benefits of plausible deniability in court cases incumbent which can simply be ignored or at worse bought off.  Malpractice suits are expected to quintuple in frequency, as are the figures of district attorneys' bolstered wallets.  The future is looking bright for unnecessary psychiatry! 

Johnny Depp Turns Up for Hallowe'en Party as Johnny Depp

Depp contemplates his own magnificence.

Of all the creeps and ghouls in the netherworld, there can only be one Hollywood hack who rises up above Freddy Krueger, Beetlejuice and Macaulay Culkin... his name is Johnny Depp and he'll infatuate your women and raid your shoe polish.

Turning up to a swank Hollywood Hallowe'en party dressed merely as oneself is normally thought of as being a bit of a faux pas... but when you're Depp, all things grim and morose are not just possible, they're probable.

"There's a whole lot of cheapo Hallowe'en costumes out there based on characters I've played," began Johnny D. "but truly my most challenging role is being myself... and no one has the patent or license on Johnny Depp!"

An enthused Depp, so enthralled by his image in a mirror, went on to say "yes, there's a reason women adore me, and its not my looks.  They see deep into my soul and see the darkness I am cast from and splay their effing pocket books to pay for my masses of Oil of Olay and cocaine."

As no surprise, Tim Burton will be casting everyone's favourite undead pretty boy in a tandem role with (wait for it) Helena Bonham Carter... prepare for another travesty of black and white stripes and way too much eye make up.