Keanu Reeves Receives First Ever Personality Transplant

Might he be stoned?

Medical science has always behaved like any evolutionary entity: progressing in leaps and bounds.  So now the genii who brought us anti-depressants, behavioural therapy and enriched corn syrup have done it again.  It is now possible to fix personalities and personality disorders by modifying specific regions of the limbic system where emotional potentiality to stimuli is processed and reactions are borne.  The surgery was pioneered by neuroscientists at GlaxoSmithKline and is said to be the most exciting breakthrough in psychosurgery and psychopharmacotherapy since the advent of Thorazine, Clozaril and the full frontal lobotomy.

Selected for the first broad spectrum personality transplant was famed actor Keanu Reeves.  Being believed that he had no personality of his own, he was said to be an excellent example of characterological vacuity and characteristic lability of essence.

Having starred in such blockbuster films as The Matrix, Speed and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure it became obvious the GlaxoKline researchers that he posed no personality of his own and would be the first to benefit from the revolutionary treatment.

The donor, one Mr. Dolph Lundgren, was happy to give up his personality; as he did have one, but simply had never had any use for it.  And as it happens the procedure ended up a startling success.  GlaxoKline are expecting to make $7.6bn USD a year in recursive drug therapies including Largactil drug maintenance and are expected to reap the benefits of plausible deniability in court cases incumbent which can simply be ignored or at worse bought off.  Malpractice suits are expected to quintuple in frequency, as are the figures of district attorneys' bolstered wallets.  The future is looking bright for unnecessary psychiatry! 

Johnny Depp Turns Up for Hallowe'en Party as Johnny Depp

Depp contemplates his own magnificence.

Of all the creeps and ghouls in the netherworld, there can only be one Hollywood hack who rises up above Freddy Krueger, Beetlejuice and Macaulay Culkin... his name is Johnny Depp and he'll infatuate your women and raid your shoe polish.

Turning up to a swank Hollywood Hallowe'en party dressed merely as oneself is normally thought of as being a bit of a faux pas... but when you're Depp, all things grim and morose are not just possible, they're probable.

"There's a whole lot of cheapo Hallowe'en costumes out there based on characters I've played," began Johnny D. "but truly my most challenging role is being myself... and no one has the patent or license on Johnny Depp!"

An enthused Depp, so enthralled by his image in a mirror, went on to say "yes, there's a reason women adore me, and its not my looks.  They see deep into my soul and see the darkness I am cast from and splay their effing pocket books to pay for my masses of Oil of Olay and cocaine."

As no surprise, Tim Burton will be casting everyone's favourite undead pretty boy in a tandem role with (wait for it) Helena Bonham Carter... prepare for another travesty of black and white stripes and way too much eye make up.