Thanks to Tony Law I am Losing My Will to Live

'I am time travelling to a moment when I was amusing!'

Could it be 2012?  It must be!  For Tony Law will likely not be funny anymore when December 21st, this year, comes to pass.  Why, you might ask?  The Mayans knew it as well as any other prognosticating culture you might want to lend a pre-apocalyptic ear to; for the day when Mr. Law gets any genuine laughs, time will stop, clocks will run backwards, water will swirl down the drain clockwise in the northern hemisphere and your waffle iron will attack you!  No, I'm not referencing a poorly conceived CBC documentary, it's the signs of the apocalypse... all starting with Tony Law actually being genuinely amusing.  In fact, I also prognosticate that his head will explode -- but that's an easier prediction to make when I know where I can get my hands on an AR-10 carbine assault rifle!

So what does happen when a Canadian comedian can't make it in the States and is even far too rubbish for the travesty of Canadian sketch programmes... *cough*  Well, needless to say I won't be needing to scratch my eyes out any time soon, as I already have after watching Tony ham it up on a re-run of some nameless comedy programme on 'Dave'.  Usually known for its high quality programming... oh wait, what the fuck am I talking about?

Having come from a country where hand guns are readily accessible, it's no wonder Mr. Law took solace on British television... after all, we have our fair share of imbeciles with funny accents; but we've all seen a  Scouser before!  Why not showcase a Canadian nutter with the IQ of Scottish smoked salmon on some of the worst skit and stand up show Britain has to spew out of every gaping orifice?  Sure, he may have been on Qi... but I'm sure Stephen Fry is heading the way of Terry Pratchett, as it is.  Our only hope: the lifting of euthanasia sanctions!

So whatever you tune in and find Tony Law staring at you with his wild eyes, send him back to Canada so they can send him south to America and the Yanks can send someone even more awful (ie. Pauly Shore) down to Mexico where he'll have his rightful career prospect in mind -- playing wet nurse to an Hispanic tranny in a Mexican prison.

Johnny Depp Turns Up for Hallowe'en Party as Johnny Depp

Depp contemplates his own magnificence.

Of all the creeps and ghouls in the netherworld, there can only be one Hollywood hack who rises up above Freddy Krueger, Beetlejuice and Macaulay Culkin... his name is Johnny Depp and he'll infatuate your women and raid your shoe polish.

Turning up to a swank Hollywood Hallowe'en party dressed merely as oneself is normally thought of as being a bit of a faux pas... but when you're Depp, all things grim and morose are not just possible, they're probable.

"There's a whole lot of cheapo Hallowe'en costumes out there based on characters I've played," began Johnny D. "but truly my most challenging role is being myself... and no one has the patent or license on Johnny Depp!"

An enthused Depp, so enthralled by his image in a mirror, went on to say "yes, there's a reason women adore me, and its not my looks.  They see deep into my soul and see the darkness I am cast from and splay their effing pocket books to pay for my masses of Oil of Olay and cocaine."

As no surprise, Tim Burton will be casting everyone's favourite undead pretty boy in a tandem role with (wait for it) Helena Bonham Carter... prepare for another travesty of black and white stripes and way too much eye make up.

Ten Things Coarse Grain Libertarians Miss

The average libertarian is, in my experience, a bit of a pansy hippie type.  I've known so few to have any convictions which might impact others' lives, save to give them free rein in personal choice and personal liberty.  This is all well and good, however...

Ten things coarse grain libertarians miss are;

10) If everything was free, then there'd be no one to blame for anything (really think about this one).

9) If we didn't need fast cars and masses of whey protein, we wouldn't have them.  And as such someone still has to be characteristically/phenotypally better than the other guy.

8) Donald Trumps's wife is damned fit!

7) I'm better than most people at a few things.  Not everything and not everyone.  Arrogance is totalitarian, and many of your anarchists would posit that no one is better than anyone else at all, which is exactly the same thing as the arrogance you loathe.

6) My girlfriend is damned fit!

5) God might exist to make someone money, you might exist to make someone else money, but it doesn't make you "just as bad as them" because you take similar opportunities, yourself.

4) Advertisers might well be insidious... but is it not just as insidious to ascribe people to your ideals of what is effectively social mediotrity?

3) Dave Beech, Andy Hewitt and Mel Jordan are retards who are playing into exactly what they run against (which is a running trait). [see: Freee]

2) No anarchist society can be truly vigilant because when one person dies/leaves/tokes other, dissonant, brains enter the perspective and the balance must re-establish itself.  It's like using a tandem bike as a taxi... it just doesn't work!

1) From a psychodynamic perspective life is about the acquisition of power.  Tell me might isn't right when someone's just tried to steal your Skoda and the protuberance you've given them has gotten the better of them!

So herein lies the dilemma; you're not a leader, your friends aren't leaders, your enemies aren't enemies because you don't have a leader... but the reasons they're your enemies is because they probably do have a leader.  He whomsoever dies with the most toys wins!