Keanu Reeves Receives First Ever Personality Transplant

Might he be stoned?

Medical science has always behaved like any evolutionary entity: progressing in leaps and bounds.  So now the genii who brought us anti-depressants, behavioural therapy and enriched corn syrup have done it again.  It is now possible to fix personalities and personality disorders by modifying specific regions of the limbic system where emotional potentiality to stimuli is processed and reactions are borne.  The surgery was pioneered by neuroscientists at GlaxoSmithKline and is said to be the most exciting breakthrough in psychosurgery and psychopharmacotherapy since the advent of Thorazine, Clozaril and the full frontal lobotomy.

Selected for the first broad spectrum personality transplant was famed actor Keanu Reeves.  Being believed that he had no personality of his own, he was said to be an excellent example of characterological vacuity and characteristic lability of essence.

Having starred in such blockbuster films as The Matrix, Speed and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure it became obvious the GlaxoKline researchers that he posed no personality of his own and would be the first to benefit from the revolutionary treatment.

The donor, one Mr. Dolph Lundgren, was happy to give up his personality; as he did have one, but simply had never had any use for it.  And as it happens the procedure ended up a startling success.  GlaxoKline are expecting to make $7.6bn USD a year in recursive drug therapies including Largactil drug maintenance and are expected to reap the benefits of plausible deniability in court cases incumbent which can simply be ignored or at worse bought off.  Malpractice suits are expected to quintuple in frequency, as are the figures of district attorneys' bolstered wallets.  The future is looking bright for unnecessary psychiatry! 

Obama and Cameron Poke Fun at Handicapped Japanese Lad

David Cameron and Barrack Obama met, last weekend, for cigars, brandy and a rousing game of table tennis with a Japanese-American lad of 16.  Akira was thrilled to bits to have been visited by the leaders of the English-speaking world... until the press left and these dignitaries of Truth, Justice and the Anglo-American way started to wail and howl in hysterics at his club foot after he had fallen over from a risky pingpong manoeuvre which left him reeling on the floor.

Showing their true colours, the pair of world leaders went to help the lad up, then quickly retracting their hands, brushing them through their hair and simply stating oops, too slow.  Akira managed to find himself up right and quickly left the room crying.  Mr. Cameron suggested they raid his parents' liquor cabinet, but finding only sake and some rice cakes, they proceeded to defecate in the corner of the room and promptly left.

When asked, later, how the young lad, Akira, struck Mr. Cameron, he simply replied he reminded me very much of my own passed son -- a very brave boy.  And remember, this is the kind of man who's running the country until Nick Clegg can grow a pair. 

Flying Spaghetti Monster Likeness Seen on a Plate in Clearwater Ponderosa

Ezekiel Turnbull, yesterday in Clearwater, Florida, was greeted at a local Ponderosa eatin' house with a vision of the Flying Spaghetti Monster most uncommonly on a plate of noodles.  Turnbull's 5 year old son had ordered innocently from the children's menu and their table greeted with this immaculate sight where touched by his noodley appendage.

A long-time Scientologist, E. Turnbull was blown over when faced with this deific image of our Lord FSM in the form of refined starch products and 'acquired' meat.  The Carbolith himself had surely visited their table that night, he thought.

Turnbull, a 28 year old accountant, nutter and sycophant could not believe his eyes.  "What have I been wasting my life on?  L. Ron Hubbard was never this delicious!" he stated knowingly, as the inner workings of Scientology include eating of Hubbard's flesh in the form of suet and drinking of his blood in the form grape drink (not to be mistaken with grape juice) in the holy communion of Hgejk'dshioogkdaf, King of the Lizard Men.

The astounding appearance of our Lord of Ragu and Garlic has inspired a special sectarian cult of spaghettiotide adherents in Clearwater, Florida... much to the dismay of the Dianetics Foundation who were heard to state hide your pad and get out of there -- they'll ruin the whole deal! as they skulked off into a locked compound with a wooden statue of a Wookie holding cigars perched in front of a panel marked Chamber of Knowledge, Wisdom and Internet Pr0n smeared across the entrance way in indelible ink.

Word from within Hubbard's main compound outlines detailed plans to drink Kool Aid and arsenic while dancing around naked dressed as spacemen recounting the days when Tom Cruise didn't suck.  The dude with the plastic vulcan ears, who could only comment in Klingon remarked to the press; yImev jat wIj chIS Hergh!